So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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