I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
