Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We talked him into tasing himself.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
