forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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