dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
