Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.