first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
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i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."