I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just cropdusted the office
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
