I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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