Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
