Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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