Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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