I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
