I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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