WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
