he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
