mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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