Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
