im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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