i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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