If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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