Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
