So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
