life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't turn off my feet"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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