I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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