I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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