i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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