all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
