I haven't been this sober since birth.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
