U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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