Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
