I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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