I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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