I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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