Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
