i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
