I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
