do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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