So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
