im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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