Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
