dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
