Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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