She told me I should be a condom model.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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