Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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