i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
