Will you blow on my dice?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
