Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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