you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
worst night to have a conscience
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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