I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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