I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
