You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
