He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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