Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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