I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
