So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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