ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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