I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
