Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
