yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
