Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
