he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
