The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
