Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
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They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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