When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
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Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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